It’s another night when I finally get to settle down right in front of the laptop that is current a FUJITSU-MADE-TO-BE, credits to Uncle Hong aka Hong Xuhao who gifted my Asus laptop a Fujitsu Garskin makeover so that I could use it in 07. This reminds me of my disappointment that day when Peixuan and I went up to Challenger with COLD HARD CASH in search for the S6421 and there turned out to be no stocks, even the DS was sold which was so goddamn infuriating. That aside, I can’t believe SW and I went to nubox in search for a macbook air, and to think we walked right in from K3’s exit like some APPLETARTS.
I somehow miss being in the sales line, despite loving all that I get to learn in the area of marketing and operations. At times I would wonder how long it has been since I went “Hi, can I help you?” like any other sales personnel did. At times I would wonder how it would be like if I were to go into the retail line again. That said, I would admit that fear has sunken deep enough into me, despite having raced up the sales units table some time ago before I stepped completely into marcomm. I love marcomm, no doubt about that. FEAR. I fear being insecure in an environment that I would have to adapt or re-adapt to. I fear uncertainty. I fear the idea of not knowing my stuff inside out even though these can be learnt / re-learnt. I fear falling back to where I once started out from and I believe this fear engulfs every single human being, in some way or another. We all fear uncertainty, no matter how much we would always anticipate change.
I distinctly remember HS repeating time & again, “the only constant in life is CHANGE.”
Uncertainty and insecurity sink into me at many a times, even though on many occasions I struggle to find the reason behind the insecurity-bound self that rests behind the facade that others see on the outside. I hate it whenever I break down in tears on some occasions when I get overly stressed with everything that is happening around me. I don’t like being sandwiched in situations where you have to take sides (Please do not tell me mashed potato) and I’m just like any other human being that breaks down at one time or another, just like any other girlfriend that would need to cry out at times. I really am trying hard to hold back my tears and trying hard not to lash out at anyone but at times, the situations just turns too stressful and difficult for someone like me to stomach.
It hurts when you said you were tired, tired of the toll that life has brought on you, me & everyone. Too many a times I struggle hard to find the right words and too often, I’ve failed and end up turn frustrated with myself, you, & practically everything that surrounds me. Frustration got up my nerves too much that I had to calm myself that day by doing a stock-take in 07 which left me feeling slightly better. Too often, I know, I get nudged by the feeling that I haven’t done well enough or that what I’ve done isn’t sufficient.
And at the same time, I do know well enough, that I haven’t done enough for you as a girlfriend, being on the receiving end of all my occasional insecurity & stress outbursts. I haven’t done enough, haven’t been good enough. I know I’m weak and I’m trying hard to embrace changes instead of facing things negatively, it’s difficult, but I’m trying. Yet, it has never been sufficient for you.
I’m sorry if this entry turns out to be an emotional one. I really am trying hard to bring myself together under all that I’m facing right now & it isn’t easy.
Goodnight world Y